each broken heart will eventually mend
Today is a rather bittersweet day; it's my sister's birthday, which is a happy thing, but it's also my grandfather's birthday, which encourages memories that I tend to shove away out of self-preservation. He would have been eighty today, which normally would have necessitated a grand midwestern party (or at least a roast beef dinner with the family), but he's gone and so birthday celebrations are no longer necessary. I haven't stopped missing him, but the pain is no longer as sharp and demanding as it used to be--and that, in and of itself, makes me want to cry, because it feels like a betrayal that it's become easier to bear as the years have passed. Hyderabad makes me think of him fairly often, though, because he loved rocks, and Hyderabad has more than its fair share of boulders (and people breaking the boulders up and carting the pieces away on their heads). I suppose it doesn't matter so much anymore; life goes on, I've changed, my family has changed, and every change takes us a step farther away from how life was when he was still here. There would never have been enough time with him to satisfy me--and so all I can do is try to be satisfied with what I had, which was incredibly special and absolutely fundamental to who I've been and what I will become.
True to my avoidant nature, I successfully sidestepped any thoughts of him all day, since I was very busy at work; I was at the office until eleven, and then came home with Matt and ate dinner in his apartment before coming upstairs and finishing some more work. Now I desperately need some sleep so that I can do it all again tomorrow. Goodnight!
True to my avoidant nature, I successfully sidestepped any thoughts of him all day, since I was very busy at work; I was at the office until eleven, and then came home with Matt and ate dinner in his apartment before coming upstairs and finishing some more work. Now I desperately need some sleep so that I can do it all again tomorrow. Goodnight!
3 Comments:
At 5:20 AM, Anonymous said…
Sister dear - Thank you for the Email even tho there isnt an ecard.(lol) Also here is a thought even tho it made me cry when the little one said it. "It may get you 1 year further from the person you love and miss but it also gets you one year closer to them."
Kids are excited with you coming back to US. Love you
At 6:00 AM, ~Wamp said…
Sara, I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone on this. I went to the cemetery last time I was home because I knew I wouldn't be home for his birthday. I called Gram yesterday, and she was doing better than I thought she might be. I'll concede, it may be even harder on you than it is on me, because you are so far away. I can at least go down to Gram's and spend time with her, and in the processes see Bob piles or go wander through the main part of the barn and see things that have essentially gone untouched since Granddad put them there. For you, I can see how much has changed in the last 4 years, but as someone unwilling to accept change, I can honestly say that there are yet some places where time stands still.
At 10:54 AM, Anonymous said…
Thanks Sara and Wamp.
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